Getting over my astraphobia, one cloud at a time.
Apparently anxiety has a genetic factor and, unfortunately, I was born this way, baby. I've dealt with anxiety my whole life, but it ramped up starting in 2022. The reasons for the increase are multiple: I went through a devastating friend breakup and an even more emotionally draining aftermath, I was broken up with on that same day, and I had a hormonal IUD put in back in August. Although increased anxiety isn't a common IUD side effect - and I am in no way trying to discourage anyone from getting one - it does happen for some people. I'm one of the lucky few. I made a whole video about my Mirena IUD experience, which you can watch by clicking that link.
One weird, lingering side effect has been astraphobia. Astraphobia is defined as an irrational fear of thunder and lightning.
In February of this year, I had the harrowing experience of being alone during a severe thunderstorm, which became a tornado warning. A tornado touched down mere miles from me and, although it wasn't a very big or destructive one, it still terrified me. I spent the tornado warning hiding in my tub, crying on the phone to my dad, trying to corral my cats into the room, and posting that meme from a Tumblr post where someone said "tornado warnado" to make everyone else laugh while I was panicking.
That experience would've been at least mildly scary for most of the population, but it went far beyond that for me. Ever since that day, it's like a switch was turned on in my head. Or, rather, it's like someone replaced the pre-existing dull lightbulb connected to that switch with a much brighter one, and then turned that lightbulb on all day and all night. I've never been a fan of thunderstorms, especially not strong ones or ones that stay over my house forever, but this level of phobia was unprecedented.
In that video up there, I mention that there was one night where I looked at the weather forecast, saw that there was a mere chance of thunderstorms the next day, and became completely convinced that the storm would evolve into an F5 tornado that would completely destroy my whole community. I know it makes no sense, but my brain was in panic mode. I couldn't feel my hands, my voice was shaking, and I ended up driving over to my parents' house to sleep in their basement because that was the only place that seemed safe.
This incident began a pattern. I started driving to my parents' house whenever there was even a chance of storms, just in case I had to sleep in the basement again. It got to the point where my mom started to anticipate my calls whenever there was a chance of storms. And although my folks assured me that I was always welcome each time, I started to feel like I was overstaying my welcome.
During the peak of my anxiety, I was afraid of clouds. I was afraid of wind. I was afraid of rain. Unless the day was perfectly sunny, I would spend the entire day in an anxious state, checking the weather app on my phone obsessively. I was convinced that a terrifying storm could, and would, blow through at any moment. And it seemed like every time a storm would come into my area, I would end up receiving, at the very least, a "special weather statement" from my weather app, threatening strong winds and hail. I lived in a constant state of anxiety, watching the radar and waiting for the shit to hit the fan. One time, I looked at the radar, saw a sliver of yellow in my area, and felt my blood literally run cold.
The thing about weather related anxiety is that it makes your days drag on and on. Every hour was spent in dread, waiting for something to happen. Every day that ticked past was another day I survived, another day without incident. It was exhausting. Anxiety also led me to do a lot of research about tornadoes, natural disasters, storms, wind, and everything else under the sun. I’ve always been interested in the weather, but I now have way too much cursed knowledge as a result of my anxiety-ridden research.
However, in recent weeks, things have gotten better. Earlier this week, I went to sleep knowing there was a 30% chance of storms at some point during the night, but I didn't even have to drink myself to sleep. (Yes, I’ve done that before. No, it didn’t work. Please don’t try to self-medicate your anxiety with alcohol – it’s not going to be a good or effective solution.) At 5 AM, a storm woke me up, but it was actually...pretty pleasant? Sure, I couldn't sleep through it, but it was still a very normal thunderstorm with a predictable pattern of thunder and lightning. I was proud of myself for staying home during it and for barely even feeling a sense of panic. At some point, I did go out into my hallway, away from any windows, but that only lasted for a few of the more intense minutes of the storm. I got to experience chrysalism, a fancy name for "the comfort and cozy feeling of knowing that you're safe inside while there's a storm outside." I was exhausted for the rest of the day, but at least I wasn't anxious. I felt relieved that, finally, a regular-ass thunderstorm had gone through my city.
Yesterday, it rained all day, and that was it. Just a light, constant rain. Three inches' worth. And I enjoyed all 6-ish hours of it, despite the flood warnings that kept popping up on my phone. (There was no flood by me, by the way, and I'm very excited to see if the water level in the rivers has risen since then. Maybe I'll get out for a nature walk tomorrow.)
These experiences have healed me and I feel like I'm finally back to where I was back before I got the IUD put in. Before the tornado warning in February. Before the spike of anxiety. I feel fine. I actually want more rain to fall today, although I'm pretty sure it won't. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the weather really is unpredictable. I'm not going to say you should never check the weather on your phone, or that you should avoid warnings that could save your life, but I am saying that obsessing about each minute of it is counterproductive. If it's storming, get inside. If it's raining, drive carefully. But don't obsess about it!
I'm not here to give you advice for overcoming your astraphobia. If it's a real, debilitating problem for you, you might want to see a therapist for it. They’ll probably give you exposure therapy, which is basically what I did for myself by watching YouTube videos of storms and going for walks when it was cloudy, when it was windy, and even when there was a chance of storms. With time, with exposure, and with the occurrences mentioned above, my astraphobia has gotten better. All it took was a regular-ass thunderstorm and some regular-ass rainfall. If you're dealing with weather anxiety, I genuinely hope it subsides - or, at least, lessens - soon!
Speaking of astraphobia, I deal with it pretty heavily in my new book, Storm Season. Writing about my protagonist, Oliver, going through a harrowing weather experience with Gaines, their high school friend with whom they've recently rekindled a friendship (and more), was also a healing experience for me. We all need a Gaines in our lives, someone who’s able to keep us calm and patiently wait out the storm with us.
Look for Storm Season on Amazon at some time in July. I'm not sure when exactly I'll have it published, but I'll let y'all know when it happens.
I love you all. Until next time,
Janvier Olszon