How A Mystery Led Me to the Best Day of My Life (So Far)

July 30th, 2023 may have been the best day of my life. To explain why, I need to first tell you about my White Whale Song, AKA the Mystery Song. The Mystery Song was a black metal song from my youth and, though I remembered how it went with surprising accuracy, I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of it.  

So there's this Facebook group (two of them, actually) called Oddly Specific Playlists. Some people post playlists they've made, but most people post looking for songs that will fit an oddly specific playlist. In August 2021, I found an Oddly Specific Playlists thread where someone was looking for "chill Viking-sounding songs". Although this person was specifically NOT looking for metal, for some reason, this thread abruptly prompted my brain to dig the Mystery Song back up from the depths of my subconscious. That's how the Quest started. 

As part of my quest, I learned how to play the White Whale Song on guitar. I hummed the chords I remembered into a tuner and learned to play those chords. It's true that I'm not a skilled guitarist and I couldn't strum fast enough to truly replicate the song, but it was something. I also made several videos about the search. Here's a playlist in case you want to go down that rabbit hole.  

And then, on July 30th 2023, I decided to look through my CD cases. You see, growing up, I had this habit of hiding CDs from myself and from others by switching which ones would be in which cases. (This habit started when my friend burned me a copy of Toxicity by System of a Down - the unedited version - which I wasn't allowed to have. I hid it in the Teletubbies: The Album CD case, the last place anyone would look. Doing that amused me so much that I started doing it for everything.) Anyway, on July 30th, I cracked open the Johnny Cash Super Hits CD case and found two mix CDs.  

One was a CD my good friend Clover burned for me and the other one I burned for myself, God knows when. I remember realizing I didn't recognize the name (it's called "Soul Catharsis." ooh, mysterious!) and I remember my heart pounding when I realized I didn't remember what was on it. I hadn't written down a track list or anything, so I was plunging into the unknown. Soul Catharsis was the last route I had to take on the quest, the last unexplored terrain, the last alley to go down, my last hope. And when I found it, I knew I was on the precipice of something. I knew it could change everything. Even the name felt meaningful. 

When I popped the CD into my laptop and started it, I noticed the tracks weren't labeled. That was also exciting because the possibilities were endless and, even if I didn't find my mystery song, I was certain I would find other things I'd forgotten. 

And then, when I got to track 7 and heard the beginning chords of the Mystery Song? I'm sure you could've seen me vibrating from space. You could certainly feel it from the Instagram Live video I mentioned above. I instantly knew what I was hearing. I instantly recognized those chords as the ones that haunted my dreams, the ones I learned how to play on guitar. They were, unmistakably, the opening chords of The Mystery Song. 

You can also see my excitement in the video I made shortly after finding the song. I wasn't able to stand still, jumping up and down and wringing my hands as I deliriously tried to explain that the Quest had finally come to a satisfying end. That video was taken maybe 10-20 minutes after I found the song, when I'd had a moment to Shazam the song, look up the artist, and consider the implications of the end of the Quest, but I was still so excited about the discovery you can feel it through the screen. Internally, I was buzzing all over and everything seemed brighter. My heart was pounding, I was hyperventilating, and it was hard to stop screaming, even for the time it took to make the video. It felt like all was right in the world, but it also felt like I'd entered a new timeline. A better timeline. One where I knew what the mystery song was. 

(Fun fact: My brain can't handle that much excitement for long, so I did end up dissociating later on.) 

I've said it before and I'll say it until I die: I'm so incredibly glad I captured that moment and posted it for the whole world to see. I'm eternally grateful to have had the chance to capture the last instance of pure excitement I'll probably ever experience. 

And listening to the recording I made of me trying to play the song as I remembered it...it was pretty spot-on. Like, surprisingly spot-on, all things considered. 

It's now March of 2024. I found "Feuersturm" by Forest of Fog in August of 2023 and I've thoroughly enjoyed listening to it every. single. time I've heard it since then, because I know how much work I put into finding it. I get to associate that song with the extremely satisfying end of a two-year-long quest. And although I really believe I'll never get to experience that level of sheer excitement again, at least I can always listen to "Feuersturm" and fondly recall the days when it lived rent-free in my head as The White Whale Song, as well as the overwhelming joy I felt when I discovered its identity. 

By the way, Forest of Fog was the side project of Ivo Henzi, formerly of Eluveitie and currently of Cellar Darling. Shoutout to Ivo Henzi for: 

a. having made "Feuersturm" in the first place, and 

b. being so nice when I messaged him about my quest to find his song. He seemed almost as stoked to learn that someone spent two years looking for his song, as I was to have finally found it. 

And I still vividly remember the moment I found the Mystery Song on that mix CD. I captured the exact moment I found the song on Instagram Live and that post is forever pinned to my profile - but even if I didn't have that proof, I would still remember the discovery of the Mystery Song. There's no way I could ever forget a moment like that! The video makes me physically cringe because I literally could not stop screaming and cursing about my discovery, but I'm also so grateful I managed to capture that moment because I'm starkly aware that, in that moment, I was the most excited I will ever be in my life. Like, probably ever again. 

Don't get me wrong - other exciting things have happened to me since then. I got my name legally changed and bought a condo, both of which are no small feat. I felt surprised and delighted when I learned the seller had accepted my offer. I was stoked when I saw my new legal name printed on a legally binding document for the first time. But the excitement of those events was watered down by the stress I went through to get there and by the anxiety of knowing I would have to get a lot more shit done in the near future.  

One does not simply change one's name and exist in a condo: you have to fill out a shit-ton of paperwork and do a lot of both intellectual and physical labor after the victorious moment has passed. And, like, I don't want y'all to think I'm ungrateful. I feel so incredibly blessed to be a new person, moving soon to a new place. But I'm also so incredibly stressed out all the time. Both can be true simultaneously. 

The Mystery Song Quest, in contrast, didn't feel like labor in the slightest. The song was my White Whale and the search consumed me on and off for years, but it was never high stakes. The law wasn't involved. I came to terms with the fact that I may never find it LONG ago. There wasn't even any pressure on me - it's not like I promised anyone I would find the song within a certain time frame, and it's not like anyone else assigned the quest to me.  

The Quest was something I was doing truly "for funsies." I genuinely enjoyed the journey itself and the friends I made along the way. (I know that's a trope, but it's true. Shoutout, again, to the people who helped me through this quest and to those who enthusiastically listened to my ramblings throughout!) And going forward, I'll always be grateful that I got to experience that moment. When I found my White Whale song, I got to enjoy pure excitement without any stress or lingering obligations. It was a fleeting feeling, but a pure one. 

(By the way, I've thought about this a lot and come to the conclusion that I'm not sad that I'll probably never get to experience that level of excitement again. I feel blessed to have even gotten to have that once in my adult life.) 

I hope everyone gets to experience pure excitement at some point in their lifetimes. I really do. 

Tell me in the comments: Has something like this ever happened to you? Do you know the feeling I'm talking about? 

P.S. Sorry it took me 3 months to write a new blog post. As you can probably tell, I’ve been busy.

Also, speaking of mysteries, I wrote the first draft of a murder mystery last month. So…look out for that!