Should You Put A Space For A Preferred Name On Forms? (Yes.)

In defense of putting a space for a preferred name on literally everything.

This blog post is for anyone who plans to create an email or mailing list. If you’re from an organization, a small business, a major corporation, or any other thing that regularly takes down personal information, I’m begging you to read this.

Put a space for “Preferred Name” on the sign-up sheet. On the checkout page. When you’re taking payment. Where you’re collecting signatures. Wherever you ask for someone’s name, you should also be asking for a preferred name. In other words, you should be asking which name they use, which should then be the name you use for them.

Why?

Because not everyone uses the name on their debit card. Not everyone uses the name on their shipping or billing address. Not everyone uses their legal, government name, period.

And for some people, seeing that government name can ruin a whole day. I’m serious.

Consider: me.

I wasn’t born Janvier Olszon. I wasn’t even born Elliott, which is the name I go by irl. I was given a name at birth that you’ll never know because it’s irrelevant. And although I’ve gotten my name legally changed to Elliott, I’m still receiving the occasional email directed to my old name. The name that causes me distress every time I see it. The vestigial reminder of who I used to be. Who my parents thought I would be. Who I’m not.

If those companies had asked for a preferred name in the first place, I would’ve put Elliott and I would’ve been a little more hesitant to unsubscribe from their mailing lists. As it is, I religiously unsubscribe from anything with my birth name on it because seeing it makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. And I’m definitely not the only one.

When Dale Carnegie said “Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language,” that adage didn’t apply to a name that person doesn’t go by. Some names are the most bitter sound in the world.

There are all sorts of reasons why someone would go by a different name than the one they were given and, quite frankly, those reasons are none of your business. All you need to know is how they prefer to be addressed. It really is that simple. One important reason why I hate seeing my birth name is that I’m nonbinary and that name has never aligned with my sense of self. (Another reason is because I literally got it legally changed, get with the times!) But you don’t have to be trans to not want to be blindsided by an email addressed to a name you don’t use. This blog post is also in defense of anyone named Robert who goes by Bob. This blog post is for your grandpa who everyone in town knows as Slim. For your neighbor who’s been called Junior since birth. For everyone. 

By the way, it’s not enough to ask for someone’s preferred name. You have to actually use that name everywhere you can, especially in correspondences addressed to that person. Like, yes, I understand the importance of collecting their legal personal information for billing purposes, but you don’t need to be blasting that shit into their inboxes. Use someone’s preferred name by default, unless you absolutely have to use their government name.

Another solution would be to not address mail to folks by name at all, but if y’all are going to insist on using a name, make sure it’s the right one. Not by your standards, not by the government’s standards, but by the standards of the customer you claim to want to support.

This isn’t just some social justice bullshit – your bottom line will also be affected. If you want people’s money, support, or whatever, call them by the right name. Nobody who deadnames* me is getting my money. I even held off repaying my student loans until the loan servicer got their shit together in their regard. Seriously! That person, legally, doesn’t exist anymore, so they’re not gonna pay you. But Elliott might. Maybe.

Also, just because I got my name legally changed doesn’t mean everyone has the means to (the process costs, like, hundreds of dollars and a lot of effort), or even wants to. Regardless, you should refer to that person by the name they prefer. It’s just good business practices.

If you met someone named Thomas who told you he went by Tom, and you kept calling him Thomas, you would be an asshole. How is sending emails or letters any different? Hell, while we’re at it, how is calling someone a completely different name any different? (It’s not.)

Naming conventions are also different across cultures. It’s not uncommon for people who come from different cultures to use a different name than the one they’re given at birth, or to use one of their middle names instead of their first name. You don’t want to be culturally insensitive, do you? Of course not. Asking for a preferred name is a perfect way to not embarrass yourself, or your company, by committing a cultural faux pas. Showing this simple courtesy may help you expand into the international market, so that’s a win-win!

Do it to show you care. Do it for profit. Do it for the cause. Whatever your motivation is, there’s no downside to asking for, and referring to someone exclusively by, their preferred name.

So you should.

“But what if they put something ridiculous?” Respectfully, I don’t care lmao. Refer to them as that ridiculous name aggressively and unwaveringly and maybe they’ll change their preferred name later when they can no longer stand to receive correspondence addressed to that ridiculous name. Or maybe they’ll have an awakening and realize that being called “Crap Bag” actually feels right. 

(Yes, that’s a Friends reference. No, I’m not a fan. No, I can’t think of anything else.)

Thanks for reading!

Your friend,

Janvier Olszon.

*To deadname someone is to call them by a name they don’t use, especially a name they were assigned at birth. If you didn’t know, now you know!

P.S. Pronouns are also important. This blog post isn’t about that, though. I might go into that later. I was just motivated to write this blog post by…well, an email addressed to my deadname. Let me know in the comments if you want me to yap about pronouns later.

P.P.S. The protagonist of my latest book, My Careful Fingertips, Your Heavy Eyelids, goes by a different name than the one they’re assigned at birth. It’s not a major plot point, because I don’t believe it should be, but it’s definitely brought up at least once. My new book should come out later this year, so keep an eye out, ok?